The 24-Year-Old Virgin

Pretty self-explanatory

It was very late and people had been drinking, so it didn’t take long for the conversation to go where I knew it would. As I sat there, huddled in a diner booth with some of my friends, my voice began to tuck itself back into my throat. Every now and again, I would raise my eyebrow, let out a chuckle, or shake/nod my head to confirm that I was still a participant in the discussion. However, I had no real insight to share. I was out of my jurisdiction. I just sat there and listened while my friends talked about sex.

Many moons ago, I had decided that I was going to wait to have sex for the first time. I had decided that, in the eyes of God, it was the right thing to do. My wife would be my first and that was that. So far, I’ve kept that promise to God and myself intact. However, within the last three years especially, I’ve fought with that choice a bit. In a world full of sex, it’s hard not to eventually question a decision like that.

There are times when I feel like an outcast. There’s no denying that my experience isn’t considered “normal”. A relatively good-looking, healthy, sane black man in his mid-20s who hasn’t had sex ever in his life is quite strange. Because of this, I feel generally alone. Yes, of course there are other male virgins out there like myself, but it’s akin to the number of black people in science or engineering-related PhD programs: they’re there, but few and far between.

There are times when I’m very proud of my achievement. I made a hard choice and stuck to it. Somehow I survived high school and college without letting peer pressure, alcohol, or half-naked women in my bed convince me to go against that choice. And even without a sex life, I was able to grow out of my socially awkward beginnings and become a well-rounded man.

There are times where I love the fact that sex doesn’t cloud my judgment and actions. I’m not gonna stick with you for the sex cause, well, there isn’t any. This isn’t to say I’ve never done something stupid merely because of a physical attraction to someone, but people are more willing to do something stupid over good sex than good eye candy.

There are times when I sometimes think about how often I turn women off because I’m a virgin. Sex in a relationship isn’t the most important thing, but it’s definitely a large factor to those who have sex. I remember my ex-girlfriend understandably having some frustrated evenings at my place because of my decision to wait.

There are times when I wonder why I should keep waiting. My sexual urges are still there whether I’m having sex or not and it gets difficult to ignore it. There have been moments where I was ready to fuck the next girl who would be willing and almost did.

There are times when I don’t even question my decision to wait. My spiritual and personal convictions renforce my choice.

In the end, I’m much more on the fence about my personal choice to not have pre-marital sex than I used to be. I’m not as gung-ho about waiting until marriage. I don’t think that’s an indictment on my faith. In fact, I feel even closer to God now than I’ve ever been, but I have a slightly different viewpoint on sex than I did when I made my virgin vows. That and my patience for my wife is wearing thin. Having said that, I’m not in a rush to pump the next woman that gives me an offer. I’ve survived this long without sex so there’s no need to fit it into my immediate schedule. For now, my journey as a virgin continues.

And I’m okay with that.

-TDA

25 thoughts on “The 24-Year-Old Virgin

  1. TDA, you echo my experience with unmatched precision. If I weren’t 27, I’d have said we were def in the same amniotic sac only to be separated at birth! I was just telling a friend of mine yesterday how it gets tougher with every passing birthday especially if like me, you’ve spent the last two in a loving relationship with someone you love so richly and just want to give ALL of you to (the wedding’s dec 2012…yay me!!! I’m patiently eager). Being a sanguine and ahem…’sensitive’ don’t help neither!
    Initially (as a teen), I thought my decision was more a God thing than anything else but as my swanilicious self blossomed I realized it was coz I simply want my husband to be the only one I sleep with (God sparing our lives till we’re old and gray). That statement from Best Man comes to mind “her FIRST, LAST and ONLY”. Sounds cheesy, I know!
    I quite applaud your self-restraint. You’ve made my morning. Merci

    • Congrats on the marriage! You’re almost at the finish line. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have someone you love so much and that you’re about to marry, but who you haven’t shared an intimate moment like sex with. Stories like this actually encourage me to keep pushing. Thanks for the comment!

  2. Boy howdy, I feel ya. The you’re not “normal” thing blows! I have my own struggles with what exactly is “sex”, but have never wondered on my decision not yo have vaginal sex with anytime but my husband. Not to day it never sucka, but it’s just bouy happening. I also started the journey prematurely for religious

    • Grrrrrrrr, fat fingered post to soon and autocorrect has all kinds of wrong words up there.

      I have my own struggles with what is “sex” (and some blatant decisions of wilful disobedience), but have never wavered on my decision not to have vaginal sex with anyone but my husband. Not to say it never sucks, but it’s not happening. (no pun intended! Ha!)

      I also originally made this decision based on religious reasons, but the older l get, the more practical a decision I find it to be.

      Sometimes I lament that I’ll never have some of the great sex stories my gfs have, but I’m incredibly happy to not share any of their sex horror stories either.

      • That I’ll never have sex in my 20s, things like that…but everything is a trade off.

        And I know you’re probably sick of hearing it, but for what it’s worth I think it’s amazing that you are a virgin, like truly amazing and special and totally makes you an even more appealing man-not that if you decide to break this vow you’ll be sullied or anything-but the same way this kinda makes you not “normal”…it kinda makes you not normal, in a very refreshing way.

        • LOL at your 50 replies to yourself.

          But yeah, my decision was completely religious at first. Now my own personal convictions, as well as my religious ones, factor into it. Like I outlined, it doesn’t come without some doubts though.

  3. Ayo V.I.Ps in the house!!

    A friend of mine who also made the waiting until marriage choice and I started calling ourselves V.I.Ps in high school (Virgins in Peril). And while the peril part isn’t always necessarily true, for both of us the V part still holds firm. I must say that I’ve actually felt less of a pull to cave as I get older. I like to use it as a sifter of sorts, those who aren’t really worth the effort will see my waiting as a deficit rather than a benefit. And with that I know to move on to the next and share all of the other parts my greatness with someone who is worth it. So I salute you TDA, for being brave enough to air your not yet dirtied laundry on the intranets, and for sticking to an initial choice that will yield nothing but blessings when the time comes. In my chapter of a Purpose Driven Life this morning, Warren said “obedience unlocks understanding” and how fitting for your post today. It proves itself somewhat difficult in the times we’re growing up, but this obedience that we’re sowing will allow us to reap all of the benefits. Cheers to you good sir *clinks tea cup*

  4. Glad you finally wrote this, B. I decided to wait for love and while over the years my ideas of what kind of love has changed, I still need to do it with someone who matters. Recently, I’ve considered going the “friend” route which is not exactly what I had in mind years ago, but I’m still holding to my convictions as far as going with someone who truly cares for me.

    You did an excellent job of mapping out the trials and tribulations (and FRUSTRATIONS) of a virgin (and a male one at that!) so I must give you dap!

    Still haychoo, doe. :D

  5. Oh B! I’m so proud of you. I can’t imagine how hard waiting must be but keep at it. I don’t regret my first (at 18) but there have been others that make me cringe at the memories. Sex is wayyyy more complicated than insert this here, rub that, suck that. Unfortunately I learned that the hard way. Glad you don’t have to. Keep the faith and I’ll be praying on your wife :-)

  6. Babes..

    I love this post.. As a former sexaholic that’s now gone celibate, I can say that I’m left out of many conversations too.. I can relate, but when you don’t want your mind to go there, it gets difficult to filter..
    I’m so glad that you’ve waited.. and yes, sex does cloud sane judgement.. Whatever you decide, I’ll support it..
    I’m so proud of you..

  7. i think in this day and age, it seems to be harder to stick one’s values and convictions on anything – but on THIS in particular?

    i salute you for constantly questioning, but reaffirming your faith in yourself.

    and if shonnerz is praying for your wife…i think you got a good chance.. ;)

  8. I love this post (and the tag ‘where the hoes at’) The funny thing about sex is, people consider virgins freaks of nature in late teen/college years, but if you’re a 23 y/o virgin, people will say “I wish I would have waited.” I’m glad TDA *daps*

  9. I can’t cosign any of the love you’re getting on the comment section here Brooke. Lol but Shon threw a prayer in here? You’re set. You know she’s a walking good luck charm. I kinda want her in my pocket…. like a rabbit’s foot…

    I can’t relate but I can somewhat admire your determination and holdingoutance. Best of luck when you finally come around though.

    P.S. I should have left a Tunde daps comment. lol

  10. Very new to the blog. I was like you all the way up to 6 months ago and I just turned 24 last wk. However, I’m kinda accelerated in life, so I’m like nearly 4 yrs out of college.So I went through everything you went through… high school, college, etc. And I date a lot so I was definitely tempted. I initially decided to wait for religious reasons, ad then like you, my view point on sex started to change. Its a little different for women (especially in African households) because you really get demonized if there is even an INCLINATION that you MIGHT be having pre-marital sex. So while I knew sex was wrong, I think there came a time when I was more influenced by guilt, fear of letting my parents and the church community down (I’m a PK), fear of letting my future husband down, fear of being a bad example to my sisters and cousins, etc. Once I started letting the fears go, my mind became more open to it.

    I ended up sleeping with my then boyfriend of two years, who was also a virgin (he was 25 and totally normal like you… he just waited for love) and it was… painful at first. LOL. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

  11. I am >< with your blog, sir. I think 24/25 were the hardest years of holding out sexually. Now at 27, I've got an "i waited this long, i might as well keep waiting" perspective on it. I find that it's more of waiting for the marriage that I want that's frustrating, not the sex in itself. I too made the decision for religious reasons, and actually still keep it primarily for religious reasons. Not because I think God will necessarily be "mad" at me, but because I made a commitment to Him, and what does it say about my faith if I can't keep a personal commitment I made in faith – especially one that only I and no one else am responsible for and have primary control over? (<< this is only my reasoning, not meant for anyone else.)

    All that to say… I don't know you, but I'm proud of you/for you. I will definitely add you to my prayer list.

    oh, and first time to the blog. Good look! I'll be back and add you to my blogroll :)

  12. Thank you for sharing your story. I absolutely can sympathize with feeling alone and patience wearing thin for your mate. I too made a decision to wait for marriage, but as I matured both as a person and a Christian my choice has changed to wanting to be in a loving relationship with a man. I understand the value of having waited; like you, I have made choices and God has taken me far beyond the limits that I had previously thought were it in life. However, it is a lonely place, but despite the questioning and urges my convictions do not allow me to consider an alternate life.

    I am in a place where I loath people telling me to keep going, don’t give in, it’ll happen when it happens, it’ll happen when you least expect it, I admire you for your waiting, etc. I won’t say that to you. All I can say is we seek after jewels not costume jewelry. In order to have a real jewel we have to go through the refinement process. It’s a long process, but it is worth every tear shed for it. Why? Because it is of God, and what is of God is pure and good, and only belief and faith can get us to it.

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