Tearing Down My Wall

My mind has often been a closed door. Bits and pieces of my emotions, thoughts, and psyche are shared, but never in a way that truly makes me vulnerable. Never in a way that really makes me feel…bare. Not even my closest friends get to see ALL my innermost doubts, fears, and conflicts. My innermost hopes, delights, and aspirations. Call it a defense mechanism. Call it insecurity. Call it whatever you want. This is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember.

As years go on, however, it’s become more and more of a hindrance. An increasingly unbearable load. This unhealthy need to always be funny, content, and emotionally strong. A requirement I thrust onto myself. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I feel like I’ve become so good at putting on a facade that it gets difficult to pinpoint what I’m truly feeling. Honestly, therapy would not be a bad idea for me (we won’t get into the stigma that therapy has in black society).

All of this is to say that I’ve decided to do some sharing this week and the next. I’m going to try to reveal my soul and be uncharacteristically open with you guys. Ultimately however, I’m doing this so I can be more open with myself. Should be interesting, to say the least.

“Mr. [That Damn African], tear down this wall!”

-TDA

9 thoughts on “Tearing Down My Wall

  1. I’m similar. I don’t like to let people in nor do i like to let my innermost thoughts/feelings/burdens out. That’s probably why i started blogging…but even on the blogs i censor myself times 10! *shrugs shoulders* Coming from a psych/counseling background i understand completely how therapy would actually help in that regard but i doubt i’d ever let myself take that step. oh well. Best of luck to you in this journey tho!

  2. I admittedly have problems with opening up, also. I write about that more in the blog I have that no one knows about where I talk about Jesus and stuff, too. We’re more alike than I ever imagined.

  3. yo if no one feels you i feel you. i’m the exact same way. there is not one person on this planet that knows all there is to know about me. certain people get certain things. like wu said therapy seems to be a good option. i’m actually in the process of looking at therapists and how it is covered under my insurance plan. also, i’ve started working on my autobiography. writing about my life has been very helpful. don’t know if i’ll share it or not but even if its just for me its helped.

  4. Wow.

    You are speaking my entire life with this one, B. I’ve definitely used comedy as a defense mechanism… to keep from crying. It truly makes sense now why so many pro comedians usually have deep-rooted issues. While I’ve always been the goofy girl, there are a lot of significant moments in my life (one in particular that I may talk about soon) that caused me to put up the ever-present wall.

    This post is right on time because I’ve been thinking of going to a therapist myself. It’s not healthy to keep this ish in and in order to opens self to further possibilities… well… I gotta open the door.

    Great write-up, mister!

  5. Best friend is a powerful term and for a long time I was insecure about just how close we were and it made me question if I was not doing my job as a friend to help you be that vulnerable.
    I felt that it was me, that I was the emotional one and that I depended on you more than u did me. I am trying harder to be there everyday and to be a better friend because sometimes that means you should push them to help them get into a better place. I was never comfortable making people do things but as I grow in wisdom I see that that push maybe the only thing they need.
    I am relieved to know that there is no rift seperating us because you have always been a great person and friend and I have learned and grown more because of our bond.
    It really sucks that right now we can’t be there like we want to but it is encouraging to know that thatdamnafrican has my back…

  6. i think it’s important to have balance!
    you will know when it’s too much and when it’s not enough.
    we’ll be there to support and love ya regardless!

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