Apparently this is how my friends imagine I'm going to die
#Pause at that title.
I can’t swim. *stops to give everyone a chance to side-eye me*
Yes, I never learned how to swim. Ten points will be awarded to stereotypes. I took swimming lessons as a kid, but never finished them (I don’t remember why). When I got a little older, my uncle tried to teach me, but I could never learn how to float. My body would just sink every time. I’ve spent my life stuck in “wade in the water” status.
Fast forward to this past weekend. I went to a pool party hosted by one of my friends. It actually was more of a small gathering at the pool area at my friend’s apartment building. No matter. Almost immediately after we arrived, all the women jumped into the pool. The men? We sat at a table and chilled. Why? Cause most of us couldn’t swim. Of the four guys there, only one could swim. An additional 100 points will be awarded to stereotypes. We were all met with insults and boos from the women, who were confused why men who couldn’t swim wouldn’t be eager to jump into water. We were called “lame-os” and our table was designated “Loserville”, insults that got us talking about how ineffective insults usually are at getting a man to do something he doesn’t want to do. Oh, you calling me a pussy ass nigga?!? Well, I guess I’m a pussy ass nigga then. *George Jefferson strut*
While the women enjoyed the water, some of the 2520s at the pool asked us if we wanted to play a game of volleyball with them. Seeing as how we weren’t doing much of anything else except being verbally harassed by women who only knew insults from 1986, we decided we’d play. It was a fun game and not too competitive seeing as how most of us weren’t that good. I was one of the worst though. Every time I’d try to do a forearm pass, the ball would get knocked into the heavens without exerting that much force at all, thus leading to my nickname “Titanium Fists”. And TheChampmighthavespikedtheballinmyface, moving on….
After the game the men went back to chilling at our table. After a little while, I decided to jump into the pool. I figured I might as well take advantage of the fact that the pool has a shallow end that I’m not too short for (I foresee Cheekie making a comment about how incredibly shallow the pool must have been to accommodate me). The women cheered after I removed my shirt, I assume because they were fawning over my visible ribcage, and I made my way to the pool. I obviously spent most of my time standing in the pool, but at one point Gem and Saks did try to teach me how to float to no avail. I do appreciate them trying though.
Anyway, fun was had, jello shots were consumed, and no one drowned. That’s about as successful as a pool party can get (don’t refute that). One day I may learn how to swim, but until then I’m going to be whatever the opposite of Aquaman would be. That sounded better in my head.
-TDA
