Why Did I Do That?

Me after a Redskins loss

Spoiler alert: most men like….no, love sports. Studies have shown that, on average, husbands spend more time watching Sportscenter than they do watching their own kids. NCAA brackets and NFL* fantasy football leagues are responsible for more men being unproductive at work than your office secretary’s liberal definition of “business appropriate attire”. Men will cuss out their grandmother for being a fan of their hated rival. I’ve seen Little Giants a million times and will be watching it again later because, in addition to it being a great movie, I get to see the Cowboys** lose (to a girl no less), which is something that can cheer me up no matter what #screwdallas.

Now, similar to a man’s love of a woman’s backside coffee table, our favorite sports usually grab our attention instantly. It’s science. Minus Gabrielle Union confessing her undying love for me, if I see anything with a Redskins logo on it, you’ve lost my attention. But I find that this scenario isn’t exclusive to sports that a man favors. It can be applied to any sport, which brings me to today’s topic…

Why can’t I turn away from that [insert sport] game?

This past weekend, I was out at a lounge/restaurant chillin’ with my posse. Between the suburban white people who were extremely comfortable with making a fool out of themselves on the dance floor thanks to their low alcohol tolerance and me attempting to persuade my friend to walk over with me to causally steal a piece of birthday cake sitting amid a group of people we didn’t know, my eyes began to slowly shift their gaze. I could see a light out of the corner of my eye that caught my attention. I didn’t understand why I felt the urge to look towards it, but I couldn’t control myself. It pulled me in like an Imperial Cruiser tractor beam. #nerdalert What was this angelic light that had pulled me away from the foolishness of that evening?

Was it Jesus coming to tell His humble servant that it was his time to join the Father in Heaven? No. Was it coming from the red-dot sight of an assault rifle aimed directly at my temple? Nay. Or maybe swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus? Nein. It was a little league softball game playing on the television.

*audience makes -_- face*

A little league softball game took my attention away from my companions. Not only that, but I ended up staring at that television for at least 10 seconds until I heard one of my friends talking about having no panties on and proceeded to vomit all of the floor once I saw who said it. To be honest with you, I don’t really remember what sport it was. Little league softball was a guess. But I do know it was a sport and not a sport that I’d normally watch. Let me say that again. I don’t remember what it was that I was watching. At all. You’d think I’d have some kind of idea since I was completely sober, but I don’t. All I know is that there was a scoreboard on the television and that was enough for it to catch my “attention”. The sport doesn’t even have to be interesting most of the time and I find myself needing to at least ask what the score is.

So to my fellas, do you ever find yourself hypnotized at the sight of a sports game, even if it’s a sport you find as entertaining as The Office without Steve Carell? Have you ever said “Taking naps is a sport now?? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!!! LOLZ!! I wonder what the score is…” Ladies, do you find the attention of your man or friend-zone prisoner male friend inexplicably being taken by any program on ESPN 8-The “Ocho”? Do these jeans make me look fat? Zipadeedoodah.

-TDA

*I am overly giddy that football season is almost here.
**Cowboys fans, please proceed to 1) take a large knife, 2) insert said knife into throat, and 3) swallow knife