What Happened In Vegas

Well, for the past four days me and a couple of friends were in Las Vegas on vacation (it was my first time (#twss?)). Since I’m still recovering from jet lag, I’ll cut the humorous introductory banter and get straight to some of the highlights of quite possibly the best vacation I’ve ever had (out of the two vacations in my entire life)…

No, we didn't find a tiger in our bathroom.

1. You Can Find Me In The Club
   Our first night in Vegas we hit up a nightclub. I’m not really a club person. Expensive covers, expensive drinks, and shitty music. This club wasn’t that different. The DJ actually wasn’t bad. He had a good mix of old school hip-hop, electro/techno, and the crap that passes for music these days top 40 tracks. Drinks were expensive as hell and not strong enough to matter. I then tried to dance with this girl cause some guys near me were egging me on (and she happened to be dancing directly in front of me), but that went south either when her friend gave the “ABORT!” look (I didn’t think I was THAT ugly) or when her ass kept gyrating on my bellybutton #problemsshortmenhave. Otherwise, I spent most of the time soberly people-watching with my friend.
2. ThatDamnAfrican Jr. Goes to Community College
   As a man who plans on having a family and children and who wants to see his children go on to attend college, I basically made it necessary for them to either get full-scholarships or student loans cause I spent all of their tuition money on….well….uhhh….some stories will have to stay in Vegas. #motorboat
3. My Neck, My Back, My Neck AND My Back
   Those and more were pushed, pulled, rubbed, stretched, twisted, fried, and sauteed. Got a spa treatment that included a massage #nohappyending and access to a jacuzzi and steam room. I didn’t realize how hot steam rooms were till I finally stepped into one. The whole experience was so relaxing, although it was canceled out after my 6-hour, stuffed-into-the-smallest-area-possible flight back home.
4. I Know You Wanna Leave Me
   …but I refuse to let you go. Out of context, that line is kind of disturbing. Anyway, after getting a Monster Yard from Fat Tuesdays, we decided to go to karaoke cause the only thing better than karaoke is drunk karaoke. We did Ain’t Too Proud To Beg and had a lot of fun. Of course before we went on stage, we were able to see the hilarity that is drunk white people singing. The worse they were at singing, the more fun they seemed to be having on stage. Their level of fun could have also been proportional to the amount of alcohol in their system. Future observations will need to be done in a more controlled environment #gradstudentstateofmind
   Edit: Wow, I almost forgot about the audition that occurred at karaoke. This guy and girl who look to be in their 20’s go up to sing some song (obviously I was paying attention). The girl starts singing the chorus, but once the first verse starts they go off the teleprompter like the Hurricane Katrina edition of Kanye West. The dude spits some bars while the girl beatboxes for him. It was glorious. Not because they were amazing, but because they acted like Dr. Dre was walking through the casino and this was their chance to get discovered. Just sing the song, Anna Mae!
5. Mario Kart: Las Vegas
   Dune buggies in the desert. This is the second Things White People Do That Black People Don’t list item that I’ve crossed off in the past two weeks. It was fun as hell. We basically had a guide who led a group of us through the desert. We just followed him in our buggies and tried not to get left behind. The only bad thing that happened was the ball joint holding my front left wheel to the axle broke in the middle of the trail. The wheel was still partly attached to the axle, but barely. Thank God my buggy didn’t flip or anything (nor did they charge me for the damage).
6. This One Is For Mannnnndela!
   It wasn’t only my first time in Vegas, but it was also my first time gambling. Now, I’m not one to gamble, but there’s no way I was going to leave Vegas without experiencing it. So I hit up a blackjack table and was actually doing pretty well (or was that part of the #swindle?). After only a couple of minutes, I had went from $10 to about $60. But since it was my first time gambling, I didn’t know when to stop. Before I knew it, I had lost all that money just as quickly as I had won it.
7. Dey Tuk Er Jerbs!
   Possibly the funniest thing of the entire trip were the gangs of Hispanics standing on damn near every corner of The Strip handing out fliers and cards for escort services. No one from 70-year-old men on their anniversaries to 11-year-old kids walking with their parents were safe. None of these people spoke while trying to hand you cards either. I don’t think it would be wrong to assume they barely, if at all, knew how to speak English. However, what made it so funny to me was how they had adopted a technique of smacking their cards together to get people’s attention just before they shoved that same card with a naked prostitute on it in your face. One guy went as far as to smack his cards together three times (each smack louder than the one before it) before figuring out that a hearing disorder wasn’t the reason I wasn’t pay him any attention.

So all in all, it wasn’t The Hangover crazy, but it was a great trip with memories that I’ll remember for a while and the perfect way to end the summer. The rest of the week will be filled with rest and relaxation in the DMV until classes start on Monday.

Have any of you guys been to Vegas before? Was it crazy-ultra-super-Megazord fun? Was there anything that I should’ve seen or went to that I didn’t? Any funny or interesting Vegas stories you want to share? Don’t forget to spay and neuter your 50 Tysons.

-TDA