The No Huddle Has Its Place

**Uh oh, looks like your boy has his first guest post! The delightful and (on rare occasions) dignified Star has decided to grace my abode with another perspective on my Running The Two-Minute Drill post. Not only is this my first guest post, but if I’m not mistaken, it’s also the first time Star has written a blog post! Peer pressure is a bish. Anyway, read it, take it home, chew it, savor its nourishment, and leave your thoughts. Let’s discuss.**

OK, so TDA dropped some serious peacemaking, thoughtful, compassionate knowledge yesterday and I bow down to his epic post.  While it was so true…there’s more to this story.  Lemme let you in on a little of my truth. 

Some background, since to most of you I’m a stranger bish.  I’m 31, I’m single, I was born and raised in the Midwest, and my life’s goal is to be a great wife and mother.  Was I conditioned to want this?  Am I just following the not so subtle prodding of our patriarchal  society? Am I simply a robot marching to the ever louder tick tock of my biological clock?  Throwing up a hail mary as the last seconds of the game clock expire?

I’m human.
I’m woman.
I’m sister.
I’m daughter.
I’m Star.

And my wants, my needs, my thoughts, my goals, my desires are as natural, personal and unique as yours are to be an astrophysicist or a partner at your firm or President of the United States.  I’m not ashamed of wanting a life partner, of wanting a family.  And yes, as with most of our wants, I want it is as soon as possible.

Realize, I’m no spring chicken, TDA’s post applied perfectly and completely to me at 26 and I woulda been in the comments saying “yeah, what’re these chicks freaking out for?  I’ve got plenty of time!”  Because at 26, I felt like by THIRTY surely I’d be someone’s wife and soon to be mother…however, with time comes knowledge, lessons learned that some may or may not be aware of:

~ The biological clock is no joke.  TDA, you mentioned a desire to understand it, but I would never wish that on you.  This need, this hole, this yearning to create and nurture and what’s worse, to be shamed for feeling it.  To be mocked and labeled for it.  Everyone’s heard of it, we all joke about it (uh, check the post photo!), but the reason a woman’s sexual peek is in her 30’s?  The ovaries have taken over.  They beat me bloody about 3 years ago, tied me to a chair,and have been running things ever since.  Any time I see a man interacting with child, a gentleman says something intelligent, some sexy mofo passes my way, or heaven forbid I meet a nice guy that shares common interests-the love below stages a coup and redirects all blood flow.

~ With age, women lose value.  It’s harsh, it sucks.  But it’s a societal fact.  Argue all you want.  We’re considered less beautiful: (compound all of this if we’ve already had children) our breasts start to sag, our bodies change, our hips widen, which makes our ass drop, lots of women gets new veins coming to the surface, hair removal becomes a whole new ball game, it’s harder and harder to stay in shape…

~ The Baby Making Factor:  The reality is, having children over the age of 35 is not recommended for women.  All sorts of risks multiply exponentially at that magic number.   Yeah people do it every day, but I want what’s best for my kids, not just what they can hopefully survive.

~ Jealousy: alright let me go ahead and admit it.  I’m jealous.  Jealous that men get to “have fun” all they want, seemingly without repercussion.  That it appears that men put significantly less effort into finding a stable relationship yet seem to come out on top regardless.  That as they age, their fertility only improves, instead of going down like a toothless hooker on the day rent’s due.  That they are judged on more than simply their hip to waist ratio and beauty.  That when you decide to find a wife, odds are the woman you are dating will be thrilled to marry you, not play you off like a thirsty, husband seeking psycho.  Yeah, I’m lookin’ a lot like Lot’s wife about now.

It’s like men are fishing in a stock pond.  Filled with handfed fish.  You drop your hook in, you get a bite, you like it or you don’t.  But even if you don’t, you throw your hook back in and another one is on the line.  You keep fishing.  No biggie.

But it feels like we’re fishing in puddles.  Where the bites are few and far between.  When we do get a bite it’s a snake or a boot.  Maybe some algae to nourish us for a bit.  But we want protein, substance.  And you can’t seem to understand why we’re so hungry.  But we’re fishing in different ponds.  You can say “be easy, relax, he’ll come” but when?  My pond’s not yielding the same results as yours.  I don’t have your same confidence.  And I’m hungry.

Here’s the thing, I’m happy.  I am.  But I want more.  I’m not done.  I want a companion.  A life partner, someone to build with.  I may sound like the gun wielding psycho above but I’m not.  I just haven’t accomplished my goals yet.  There’s someone missing.  And little someones that I dream about.  That I study about already, before they’re even a possibility.  I’m telling you what some people may not be willing to (and of course some women genuinely disagree with my every point-many young ones should).  But this is my post.  TDA was so kind as to give me a platform and this is how I feel.

I want a man, not in two years.  Tomorrow.  Any man? Of course not, but that desire is there none the less, even if I don’t know his name yet…

In the end, I hope TDA is right.  That I’ve read the clock wrong, that I’ve got another quarter to play, or an overtime, some favorable flag, something…

When that two minute warning approaches, you better have some kinda game plan.  The no-huddle offense is a necessary evil sometimes.


23 thoughts on “The No Huddle Has Its Place

  1. first?! *pelvic thrust*

    STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hugs the “are you white or do you just look white” white girl* have i told you lately that i love you?!

    this is a GREAT post!!!!!!! and i feel EVERYTHING you said. i’m still in my late 20s, but ive felt that yearning you talked about. hell, i even wrote a
    about it. and a lot of my biological clock revolves around my aging parents (who are not spring chickens).

    but the one thing that keeps me from settling, making desperate/hasty decision, and worrying TOO much about not having a mate is my FAITH. without my trust in God, and that He will provide a suitable mate that is right for me at the right time, then id probably feel all the pressure of being single and childless. my/our yearning for what i/we dont have in terms of a LTR and children wont fade away just because i/we will it to. we just have to find something else to focus on in the meantime. and i choose to focus on the positive. because i KNOW that some lucky man is gonna snatch my fine a$s up!!!! and he’s going to be awesome, and we’re going to be awesome together, and produce even more awesome kids.

    i pray God sends you the right man at the right time. and who knows, the time might be NOW 🙂

    LOVE YOU BOO *more hugs*

    • AWW! Thank you so much Gem, you have no idea how nervous I was letting all this emo hang out for the world to see and judge.

      I almost mentioned my faith but was trying to keep it under a 1,000 words for ya. God is absolutely the main reason that I am able to still live my life as though my husband is around the corner. He also helps me tame my burning loins from jumping on the sexy guy giving my the eye that I know is no damn good for me, but he looks SO tasty…

      Thank you for this –> “i pray God sends you the right man at the right time.”
      I pray that I’m ready and aware when he does.

      *boomerangs those hugs right back atcha*

      • hey, aint nothin wrong with being emo. the blogosphere is the best place for emo posts LOL!

        sadly, God can only do so much to control my burning sinful desires. He is slowly losing the battle with my flesh. Sorry G-O-D.

        and yes of course i also pray that you are ready and willing to accept that right man at the right time 🙂

        im loving the love, love!!! *happy confetti*

  2. this.
    ALL. OF. THIS. #allcapseverything

    I didn’t catch yesterdays post (will go read now)..but am:
    a) so proud of your feature post
    b) so sad..because it’s full of so much truth. what sad is that, i dont expect men to understand. so when i make my daily rounds on blogs (vsb, sbm etc..), i take it all with a grain of salt. but the bitterest pill to swallow is when its other women who throw shade on you for wanting what you want.

    i think one of THE hardest things in life is sticking with your principles and staying true to what you want. we all TALK a good game about being honest, but how many of us really are with ourselves and/or with the dudes that enter our lives? we end up compromising..and losing in the end.

    GREAT GREAT post!
    *shares on FB

  3. This is truly a great post and probably reflects what a lot of women feel. Heck, I’m only 25 and I sort of feel the same. I’ve seen too many who thought they had plenty of time at my age and are in their 30’s and no closer now than they were at my age.

  4. per usual i’m going to take a different approach to this. this may seem harsh but companionship is not guaranteed. sure you may want it but you don’t get everything that you want especially not when you want it. i want a million dollars. do i believe that in my lifetime i’m going to get a million dollars? yes. am i going to get it tomorrow? probably not.

    as with most things life is not fair. being a man isn’t all its cracked up to be either. sure our “ponds” are different but would you really want it to be the same? if so then stop complaining and go out and find you a “man” instead of waiting to get caught [not you in particular but in general].

    everyone wants to act like gender roles don’t exist [or not abide by them] but then they act like they do.

    “my life’s goal is to be a great wife and mother.” <— if this doesn't sound like a gender role then i don't know what one is but then you go on to say: "I want a man, not in two years. Tomorrow. Any man? Of course not, but that desire is there none the less, even if I don’t know his name yet…" in traditional gender roles a man chooses who he wants to be with and the woman either accepts or denies. for you to say "when" you want a man seems to go against established roles.

    "The no-huddle offense is a necessary evil sometimes."

    i honestly don't think that its necessary at all. *shrug*

    • “per usual i’m going to take a different approach to this. this may seem harsh but companionship is not guaranteed. sure you may want it but you don’t get everything that you want especially not when you want it. i want a million dollars. do i believe that in my lifetime i’m going to get a million dollars? yes. am i going to get it tomorrow? probably not. ”

      Just because we know things like children (far more worthy than a million dollars to a lot of folks… women AND men) aren’t guaranteed doesn’t make it hurt less when it doesn’t happen. I don’t think anyone actually feels real pain when they don’t win the lottery, but when they try/hope for a baby… yeah, that ish ain’t no joke. I see your analogy and understand it, it’s just that its easier to say “life ain’t fair” for a circumstance such as not having children.

      • i’m sure that does hurt to want to have a baby but even thats not guaranteed. nothing in this life is. i just feel like some women expect to get married. not want to but expect to. no one promised you that was going to happen.

        • “i’m sure that does hurt to want to have a baby but even thats not guaranteed. nothing in this life is.”

          But, my point is that hurting when something happens (or doesn’t happen) doesn’t mean by default that we don’t already know nothing in life is guaranteed. We know it. It’s like slipping on some ice. You KNEW it was slippery, but did the bruise automatically go away because you knew? Naw.

          Oh, and this:

          ““my life’s goal is to be a great wife and mother.” <— if this doesn't sound like a gender role then i don't know what one is but then you go on to say"

          I think, however, that this is her goal because she actually wants it, not to fufill some type of gender role for the sake of appeasing men… or society. it's kinda like the (invalid) argument that homemakers can't be feminists. The entire point of the feminist movement was so that women can make choices. And those choices aren't limited to things outside of gender norms. Same thing applies here, IMO.

    • Thanks for your comment Tu. And for basically agreeing with everything I said. Oh that wasn’t your intention? Well you did.

      I’m very traditional. I don’t want to “get out there and find me a man” I do want to “get caught”. But here’s our disconnect. Sometimes I need to talk, I need to vent, to receive feedback from people in similar situations. It seems that you want to set up an offense for me so that I do not have to wait anymore…but I don’t want to change the game, just a quick time out and water break to express my frustration, get some encouragement and KIM… I don’t need a “fix” just to talk…

      The whole point of my post was to try and explain to men and young women and just those who don’t think like me, why when you say “i honestly don’t think that [the no huddle offense is] necessary at all. *shrug*” you’re not taking into consideration what I’ve voiced. I really do see why a handsome, educated man may have a hard time grasping this point…and that’s why I tried to explain it.

      But regardless of if you agree with me or not. The world will still keep turning. Hopefully someone’s hope was refreshed, their battery recharged from a shared sentiment. I know that I feel better knowing that I am not alone.

      • i’m not saying that you can’t voice your frustrations and my post really wasn’t about you in particular. i was speaking more in generalities. i understand that the biological clock is a real thing and women have the urge to procreate more than men because that’s what y’all are built for.

        you’ve already explained to me the whole “venting” thing during our “discussion” so i understand the point of the post. i’m just trying my hand at this venting thing. when i read posts like this it makes it seem like something is wrong with men because we’re not ready to settle down when y’all are.

        • Nothing is wrong with men not being ready to settle down when women are. The problem is when men say they’re ready when they know they are not. Women don’t appreciate being lied to or lead on. If a man just wants sex or a casual relationship he should make that crystal-clear from the beginning.

  5. YES!!!!!!!!!! I’m 33 and I’ve wanted to be a wife and mom since I was in high school. To be honest I’d give up my career for it if I had to and I refuse to apologize for that. Star, this is an awesome post and I truly appreciate your honesty and transparency.

  6. Thanks again for the post Star! I love hearing another perspective.

    Now, I know that there are many things about a woman’s experience that I have a hard time understanding or that I will never understand simply because I’m a man. Many of the things you listed were factors that I was, at the very least, aware of. The biological clock, age, and need to manufacture offspring are things that are very genetic. It’s just how it is for many women and men won’t understand it. I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with those things. Big shoutout to God for the hookup.

    The “jealousy” factor, while I appreciate the honesty, is a little misguided in my eyes. Men are able to enjoy certain benefits in the dating/relationship game that women can’t. No arguments there. But it often gets overblown to the point where women think men have an unfair advantage. I think women enjoy just as many unique benefits that men do, just not at the same time. Generally, men get to decide who and how they want to pursue someone while women get to decide if they’ll accept it. It’s a checks-and-balances, if you will. Intuitively, it seems like men have the upper hand, but it’s not as unbalanced as it seems. Shoot, sometimes I wanna just sit back and let a women try to impress me for a change. Let her have to worry about how to approach me, where to take me out, what to say, what NOT to say, whether to move slower or faster (see, yall are just nasty), what to buy, etc. The only men who don’t put in as much effort as women into finding a stable relationship are the ones who aren’t trying to find a stable relationship.

  7. I’m beyond guilty of thinking I’m running out of time to get the things out of life that I want…I’ve wanted to be a wife and mother since I was in middle or high school (do I think it’s because society conditioned me this way? Nah, I think it’s always been a part of me…), and now that I’m 24 and not even in a relationship yet, I’ve realized that my concepts of love and marriage were completely OFF before, so I’m glad I didn’t make the move to become someone’s wife or mother sooner. I think that sometimes it’s necessary to put yourself in the position to let love come to you, but for now, I’m actively trying to slow my role and accomplish some of my personal goals and desires before I walk down the aisle and commit to someone for the rest of my life.

    Great post, Star…I could see how deeply this topic runs for you, and it is my sincere hope that you get exactly what you need exactly when you need it.

  8. Oh. My.

    Star, you’re a gem. (You too Gem lol) This post was amazing. Like Max said, a great response to B’s previous post. [I don’t care about being the youngest one here anymore] At 21, I know that feeling all too well. I feel everything you’ve said. No exceptions. At all. Looking at my parents and feeling like I’m falling behind because my mom married at 24. Sheesh. I loved this line:

    “When we do get a bite it’s a snake or a boot. Maybe some algae to nourish us for a bit.”

    Damn. For a first post, this was a home run, touchdown, all points everything. Thank you 🙂

  9. *Standing Ovation and hugs for Star*
    I am a 30 yr old woman from Louisiana that is not married and have no children (I am an old maid in my family’s opinion) and struggle with this. I want to be a wife and mother more than any words can express but also have a hard time reconciling wanting to have a career as well. My mother was a stay at home mom and the experience was second to none. I know that is not exactly what I want to do but I know that I want some kind of domestic bliss. What is a girl to do?

    BTW extra hugs for Gem and Cheekie! I love (and have ecrushes) on you ladies from VSB

    Have a good weekend all!

  10. How the hell did I miss this? Star, this was SPOT on! I mean…just awesome how you articulated feelings I know so many woman have. I too, loved that analogy of the pond/lake. Men don’t know how much easier it is for them. I love the honesty in your post. You are the WOMAN.

    • Girl, I don’t know, cause you know retweeted it about fifty eleven times 😉

      Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂 What a nice “good morning”, who says Folgers is the beast part off walking up

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