My First Time At Red Lobster

Going to Red Lobster was #2 on my “Things Black People Do That I Haven’t Done” bucket list right after “watch The Color Purple and Roots all the way through.” So luckily for me, my friend got a $10 off giftcard in the mail for Red Lobster and suggested we go. Score.

As we neared the restaurant, my friend gave me some directions that were less than accurate. Not way off, but enough where I felt the need to remind myself aloud that this was the reason why I didn’t take directions from women (I’m sexist. You didn’t know?). She quickly pointed out to me that she just didn’t have a clear memory of the last time she was there and that she has a great sense of direction. Fast forward to the end of the evening as we’re leaving the restaurant. She proceeds to walk in the opposite direction of the exit, not knowing she was going in the wrong direction until I pointed it out to her. TDA – 1. Women – 0.

As we waited for our table (you like how I just Tarantino’d this story right there), we saw that America’s Funniest Home Videos was playing on the televisions and we discussed how funny that show used to be. I chalked it up to the fact that everything is funnier when you’re a kid, but I couldn’t deny the fact that, as a whole, comedy has gotten cruder and more violent and that innocent type of comedy doesn’t get people to laugh a lot anymore. Immediately after that, I bust out laughing at a man accidentally getting hit in the face with an oversized mallet. Classic.

We get a table and order an appetizer. It was some kind of chip and dip thingamabob that our waitress suggested for us. When we got our appetizer, we noticed that either someone had sprinkled crack on our chips in an attempt to setup the only black people in the restaurant or one of the staff had a really bad case of dandruff. Later on we found out that the snowmaggedon nesting on our chips was actually salt. We tried to scrape off what we could and enjoy our chips, but it was no use. We ended up asking our waitress to bring us some chips that didn’t look like Tony Montana sneezed on them.

Later, the moment I was waiting for had finally arrived. The real reason I wanted to go to Red Lobster. All I’d ever heard about were the cheddar bay biscuits and how great they were. You automatically dedicate your life to Christ after eating them. So I was really excited when the waitress brought some out for us. My friend was cheesing the whole time. Then we both took a bite from our biscuits.


They were okay. Definitely not as amazing as everyone claims they are. My friend assured me that it was just those biscuits in particular that taste average and not an indication that all Red Lobsters are this disappointing. I’ll be the judge of that.

Now to the entree. I got some crab legs because, again, this was my first time at Red Lobster and I’ve never eaten crab legs. Yes, I’m from Maryland and have never eaten crab legs. I’ve also never been in the Washington Monument even though it’s 15 minutes from my house. Bite me. The crab legs were great though. I have to admit, I was a bit gentle with the crab legs at first. Cracking them slowly and trying to keep my area tidy. After 20 seconds, that ended. I think some enate caveman reflexes kicked in and I just started ripping the legs apart mercilessly. A piece from one of the legs flew off and hit an old lady in the next booth. It was fun in a sociopathic sort of way.

Anyway, my first time at Red Lobster was decent. Still disappointed that the cheddar bay biscuits didn’t bring me to orgasm like many had told me they would. Regardless, I feel a little blacker today than I did yesterday. Now to tackle the next thing on my list: get pulled over for DWB.



12 thoughts on “My First Time At Red Lobster

  1. “Meh” is the best way to describe RL. The biscuits are on point sometimes. The last time Moneypenny and I went (4 yrs ago) the hardest worker in the place was a younger cat who was busing tables. The rest of the busboys and wait staff were walking about, audibly reciting rap lyrics. So yeah, I’m going with “meh”.

  2. Four things…

    First, love the picture.

    Second, LOVE your writing style!

    Third, I knew this was going to be hilarious when I saw “cocaine chips” as a tag!

    Fourth, I have never been able to get down with RL like that. My friends and family LOVE it, so I am forced to go sometimes. But I never order seafood; I stick to the appetizers. Chicken tenders and cheese sticks are the way to go.

  3. Bwahahaa. I can’t believe you were a Red Lobster virgin. Trust, it used to be wayyyy better back in the day. Now, it’s just a mere step up from the drive-thru window. That includes the Cheddar Bay Biscuits. So, in essence, being a late bloomer hindered you in this case. But then again, I’m partially biased to anything that was poppin in the 90s. Thangs just ain’t the same no mo’

  4. I just spoke to you. I wish I read this while we were speaking lol
    I lol’d at your caveman reflexes, your dandruff chips, your biscuit experience and your sexism. You’re such a character and I love it. LOL

  5. You finally went to RL! Hallelujah to Jesus!!!! You don’t go to RL for quality seafood, thats like going to McDonalds expecting a Five Guys burger…hmmmm Five Guys :wipes drool from mouth:

    The CBBs are hit and miss most times but when you get the perfect CBB, its like a pants party…or is it party in my pants, idk. But good stuff on you completed a task so that you obtain your “Ultimate Black Card” lol

  6. “As we waited for our table (you like how I just Tarantino’d this story right there)”

    I did like that, actually. Well done. *passes you a recycled cookie*

    About dem Cheddar biscuits. YES, every Red Lobster is NOT on their biscuit game. I’ve been to some that had meh versions, but the great version? Is effing BLISS, yo. Take this as scientific fact. I don’t care if it is thinly-disguised as an opinion, this ish is truth.

  7. Hmm what would have made you even more black was to plan a night at Red Lobster for a special occasion (cause it’s fancy) and then procede to try to make reservations for said fancy dinner event at RL.

    Can’t get more classy than year round seafood no matter how far you are from any body of water.

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