Pool Parties And Titanium Fists

Apparently this is how my friends imagine I'm going to die

#Pause at that title.

I can’t swim. *stops to give everyone a chance to side-eye me*

Yes, I never learned how to swim. Ten points will be awarded to stereotypes. I took swimming lessons as a kid, but never finished them (I don’t remember why). When I got a little older, my uncle tried to teach me, but I could never learn how to float. My body would just sink every time. I’ve spent my life stuck in “wade in the water” status.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I went to a pool party hosted by one of my friends. It actually was more of a small gathering at the pool area at my friend’s apartment building. No matter. Almost immediately after we arrived, all the women jumped into the pool. The men? We sat at a table and chilled. Why? Cause most of us couldn’t swim. Of the four guys there, only one could swim. An additional 100 points will be awarded to stereotypes. We were all met with insults and boos from the women, who were confused why men who couldn’t swim wouldn’t be eager to jump into water. We were called “lame-os” and our table was designated “Loserville”, insults that got us talking about how ineffective insults usually are at getting a man to do something he doesn’t want to do. Oh, you calling me a pussy ass nigga?!? Well, I guess I’m a pussy ass nigga then. *George Jefferson strut*

While the women enjoyed the water, some of the 2520s at the pool asked us if we wanted to play a game of volleyball with them. Seeing as how we weren’t doing much of anything else except being verbally harassed by women who only knew insults from 1986, we decided we’d play. It was a fun game and not too competitive seeing as how most of us weren’t that good. I was one of the worst though. Every time I’d try to do a forearm pass, the ball would get knocked into the heavens without exerting that much force at all, thus leading to my nickname “Titanium Fists”. And TheChampmighthavespikedtheballinmyface, moving on….

After the game the men went back to chilling at our table. After a little while, I decided to jump into the pool. I figured I might as well take advantage of the fact that the pool has a shallow end that I’m not too short for (I foresee Cheekie making a comment about how incredibly shallow the pool must have been to accommodate me). The women cheered after I removed my shirt, I assume because they were fawning over my visible ribcage, and I made my way to the pool. I obviously spent most of my time standing in the pool, but at one point Gem and Saks did try to teach me how to float to no avail. I do appreciate them trying though.

Anyway, fun was had, jello shots were consumed, and no one drowned. That’s about as successful as a pool party can get (don’t refute that). One day I may learn how to swim, but until then I’m going to be whatever the opposite of Aquaman would be. That sounded better in my head.



31 thoughts on “Pool Parties And Titanium Fists

  1. That gif doe. But, let’s take care of business…

    “After a little while, I decided to jump into the pool. I figured I might as well take advantage of the fact that the pool has a shallow end that I’m not too short for (I foresee Cheekie making a comment about how incredibly shallow the pool must have been to accommodate me).”

    I’m truly developing a complex after every one of these assumptions you keep making about me. I mean, that comment? That was really LOW, TDA. (HAHAHAHA, you FORsee what I did there?!!! *falls out*)


    I’ont know how to swim either. Blame it on traumatizing experiences with water and burning eyes as a child. Lots of jokes were had about this in Cancun. Almost drowned in the ocean twice. Which is also the same moments in which my chesticles popped out. Sigh @ my lifespace.

    Hilarious Post. The George strut and Champ spiking a ball in your face brings me glee.

  2. Raised near a beach. Don’t know how to swim. I can’t even float.

    I don’t let that stop me, though. I swim underwater while pushing against the side of the pool. I probably look hella foolish. I don’t care. 🙂

    I haven’t been swimming for a while though. The Bay Area isn’t quite known for beaches that you can actually swim in.. (just surfing, freezing and drowning o_O)

  3. yeah i can’t swim either. everyone always says you’re too tall to not be able to swim. as if i can stand in the atlantic ocean and be cool. i’ve taken 3 classes as and adult. none of them worked. *shrug*

    oh and volleyball. i’m a beast. i remember in high school i spiked the ball into this girls leg (by accident). she had to be taken out in a wheelchair. i still think she was over-exaggerating.

    • “i remember in high school i spiked the ball into this girls leg (by accident). she had to be taken out in a wheelchair.”

      Damn son, you paralyzed her? She can’t even walk anymore. You know it’s just a game, right? lol

  4. Why must “you people” support stereotypes?? EB, you WILL learn how to swim, if it’s the last thing I do. Wait, I’m lying. I’m not that pressed to teach you, but you should really learn. Let’s revisit the floating thing one day. Mmkay? This was hilarious to read, and that gif! I choked from laughing.

    • “Why must “you people” support stereotypes??”

      I’ont know what you talmbout, Willis. *lies across couch in ‘itis induced coma whilst partaking in watermelon as a BET sitcom plays in the background*

  5. Lol… I love you for trying babes…
    and umm, i find it hard to believe that you don’t know how to swim.. I feel that every black person should know how.. just in case a boat is involved and a hasty exit needs to be made…

    I know how to swim, but it didn’t come easily.. my father thought that every person born on an island should learn.. thus my mom took me in the water and held me down.. At six flags, i almost drowned in 11 ft of water.. this swimmin ish ain’t easy.. but to live near the beach and not be able to swim to the sandbar is wrong.. just wrong!

    I hope you learn how… cuz i wanna go jet skiing for my birthday and guess who’s taking me!?


  6. I can’t swim, and have a phobia of drowning thanks to the swim instructor at the YMCA. I was (maybe) 7, and he thought it would be a great idea to pull me under water as I tried to get out of the pool after class because I refused to go under during the session. To this day, if anyone touches me while I’m in a pool without my permission, I flip the f*&k out. It’s pretty sad. I’d like to think that I don’t catch as much flack for it because I look good in a bikini. *shrug*

  7. I gotta say, I don’t “get” the I can’t swim thing…what does that MEAN? I never had swim classes, I have to hold my nose when going under, I certainly don’t look graceful by any stretch; but if you throw me in a pool (especially with a shallow end) I’m not going to let the sadness overtake me #Atrayu. Isn’t treading water an instinct, like if you threw a baby in the water wouldn’t they kick to keep their head above water? I’m not being flip, I really wanna know-what do ya’ll mean you say that you can’t swim? You can certainly stand in the shallow end…how many people reply SWIM in the pool anyway?

    Oh, and twitpics or the shirt coming off never happened. 😉

    • I can stand in the shallow end, but that isn’t swimming. That’s just standing in water. I’m not worried about drowning in the shower.

      It seems like most people have trouble with floating. That’s definitely my biggest issue. My body just sinks. Might be because I have no fat on my body and probably high bone density.

  8. Wow “lame-os”, “loserville” with cutting remarks like that I’m surprised y’all actually enjoyed yourselves. That would have sent me into to corner crying.

    That gif is hilarious for so many reasons. I probably shouldn’t laugh but to hell with it. I didn’t learn how to swim until college, which is sad because I grew up 45 minutes from the coast. I grew up in black Mayberry so the only pools were at these motels that doubled as dope spots so Steve Young wasn’t haven’t that ish. At CofC you had to take various electives to graduate so I chose swimming. It’s a good skill to have but the key is to relax while you swim. Freak out and die. To this day I can’t float.

    Titanium Fist, when is your comic coming out?

  9. I can’t swim either. I now live in a place with a pool, and have for about two years, and still can’t. There isn’t a lifeguard, and I’m not fully convinced I can learn from watching the youtubes. I’ll get that kid who always wears a baseball cap and floaties to teach me the ropes one day.

  10. I can’t swim neither but I can float (don’t know if that makes sense). But mine stems from being molested as a kid. The thirsty look from blokes when wearing a swimsuit always disgusted me so swimming was certainly no bueno. Cleansing, healing & unicorns later, I just don’t get around to do it much. But it’s def on the bucket list.

  11. I can’t swim either. And since I’m not a fish, I never saw it as being much of a problem. Bet the people on the Titanic knew how to swim, and you see how useful that was for them.

    I will be keeping my behind on dry land and maybe just my feet in the water. Athankyou.

  12. ooooh my gosh at all you grown ass people who can’t swim!!!!!!!!!!! what is wrong with yall?!?!?! i need yall to invest in your aquatic education STAT!!

    anyway, that gif is EXACTLY how i imagine you dying. how’d you know??

    and we’re gonna work on your floating. and on your “underwater swimming” which is horribly painful to witness, btw.

    glad you gave it a shot. unlike the other 2 losers who just kept their feet in the water *smh*

    • stop judging, gemmie! I have a lot of other very useful talents. And when was the last time you heard “congratulations, your great ability to swim got you the job!” or “Dame look at that girl, she swims like a stingray”.


      Us-non swimmers are still winning – and now all you swimmers have people to save shall we ever go under.

      *this message has been endorsed by the On Landers Movement

  13. you should learn how to swim and not tell anyone and then just show up next year at a pool party and blow people’s minds.

    Or just because you will want to know how to swim so you wont be a “lame-o” to your kids (one day)

    Everyone in my family knows how to swim (please refrain from the wet back jokes, that’s so 1970’s). My parents made sure we knew how by having us spend the summer at the 2520 boy’s and girl’s club, that and my father threw me back in the ocean after I almost drowned in a riptide, so I wouldn’t be afraid to swim. The literal sink or swim.

    moral of the long winded message… Learn to swim. if for nothing else to break the stereotype

    • “you should learn how to swim and not tell anyone and then just show up next year at a pool party and blow people’s minds.”

      Stop EVERYthing else, TDA, and make this your primary goal. Genius.

  14. Sir, I am going to need you to get some swimming lessons. Even though not even the best swimmer can swim in rapids, how r we going to advance to class IV rapids if you can’t swim?

    In hindsight, it seems the pool party wasn’t for swimming, just standing around in our bikins and shorts to have the opposite sex sneak looks. 3.5 out of 6 women could actually swim and 1 out of 4 men could swim. You didn’t mention the woman who came to a pool party, but didn’t want to get their hair wet. Lol!

    All in all. It was a good time.

  15. The post and pic are hilarious! I imagine you doing the George Jefferson strut and cackled!

    I know how to swim (better underwater than on top) but I have a fear of deep water. I like pools but natural bodies of water freak me out. I’ve taken classes a few times in my life: as a kid, in college, post-law school and I get more comfortable every time. Posts like this are why I want my kids in swimming lessons before they can even walk!

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