It was very late and people had been drinking, so it didn’t take long for the conversation to go where I knew it would. As I sat there, huddled in a diner booth with some of my friends, my voice began to tuck itself back into my throat. Every now and again, I would raise my eyebrow, let out a chuckle, or shake/nod my head to confirm that I was still a participant in the discussion. However, I had no real insight to share. I was out of my jurisdiction. I just sat there and listened while my friends talked about sex.
Many moons ago, I had decided that I was going to wait to have sex for the first time. I had decided that, in the eyes of God, it was the right thing to do. My wife would be my first and that was that. So far, I’ve kept that promise to God and myself intact. However, within the last three years especially, I’ve fought with that choice a bit. In a world full of sex, it’s hard not to eventually question a decision like that.
There are times when I feel like an outcast. There’s no denying that my experience isn’t considered “normal”. A relatively good-looking, healthy, sane black man in his mid-20s who hasn’t had sex ever in his life is quite strange. Because of this, I feel generally alone. Yes, of course there are other male virgins out there like myself, but it’s akin to the number of black people in science or engineering-related PhD programs: they’re there, but few and far between.
There are times when I’m very proud of my achievement. I made a hard choice and stuck to it. Somehow I survived high school and college without letting peer pressure, alcohol, or half-naked women in my bed convince me to go against that choice. And even without a sex life, I was able to grow out of my socially awkward beginnings and become a well-rounded man.
There are times where I love the fact that sex doesn’t cloud my judgment and actions. I’m not gonna stick with you for the sex cause, well, there isn’t any. This isn’t to say I’ve never done something stupid merely because of a physical attraction to someone, but people are more willing to do something stupid over good sex than good eye candy.
There are times when I sometimes think about how often I turn women off because I’m a virgin. Sex in a relationship isn’t the most important thing, but it’s definitely a large factor to those who have sex. I remember my ex-girlfriend understandably having some frustrated evenings at my place because of my decision to wait.
There are times when I wonder why I should keep waiting. My sexual urges are still there whether I’m having sex or not and it gets difficult to ignore it. There have been moments where I was ready to fuck the next girl who would be willing
and almost did.
There are times when I don’t even question my decision to wait. My spiritual and personal convictions renforce my choice.
In the end, I’m much more on the fence about my personal choice to not have pre-marital sex than I used to be. I’m not as gung-ho about waiting until marriage. I don’t think that’s an indictment on my faith. In fact, I feel even closer to God now than I’ve ever been, but I have a slightly different viewpoint on sex than I did when I made my virgin vows.
That and my patience for my wife is wearing thin. Having said that, I’m not in a rush to pump the next woman that gives me an offer. I’ve survived this long without sex so there’s no need to fit it into my immediate schedule. For now, my journey as a virgin continues.
And I’m okay with that.