Why Did I Do That? Act III

Whaddup fam-lay? Nice to see all you beautiful people back in the place to be. I almost didn’t make it tonight after all the LeBron fellators who didn’t get him to join their team started jumping into oncoming traffic, swallowing knives, and taking long swims in the Gulf. All of my laughter inhibited me from typing on my keyboard. But, my joy has subsided and I am ready to spew nonsense about some insignificant occurrence. Shall we?

Why Did I Look Up When You Looked Up?

So this weekend, me and some other people are at my friend’s spot eating breakfast cause she was nice enough to make us food [sidebar: I pray that my wife cooks as well as she does]. After discussing the latest rerun of In The Heat Of The Night (seriously, we were watching it), the fact that men are reluctant to eat new foods if tried-and-true foods are available, and that you have to go full retard to make a bad pizza, we somehow got on the topic of bugs. For the life of me I can’t remember why in the hell we were talking about that, but I digress. My friend began explaining how one night she noticed a treebug on her ceiling and that she had to get her boyfriend to kill it because it was so big and gross and ewwwwww (her words, not mine). Sounds pretty insignificant, right? Well it gets even insignificant-er! (???)

Friend: “So there was this huge treebug on my ceiling…” *glances up at ceiling*
Me: *involuntarily glances up at ceiling*

In case you were wondering, no there wasn’t a treebug or a bug of any sort on the ceiling above me preparing to generally annoy me. So why did I look towards the Heavens? Why did I take a second of my time to ignore my friend’s story in order to make sure everyone could see the inside of my nostrils? Let’s see if I can break this down.

No, didn't see his ass on the ceiling either

Up is a direction that has a lot of uncertainty to it. Your peripheral field of vision has a good view to your right, left, and below you. However, objects that may be directly above you usually require a head movement in order to bring them into view. The more you know. So, as a cautious black man, anytime a person directs their attention upward, especially if there is any reason for me to be suspicious of danger (which as a black man is always), my Negroid instincts kick in and I look up. This is similar to the phenomenon where black people begin to run at the sight of a group of people running. Run first, ask questions later.

So do you guys ever find yourselves inexplicably looking up just because someone else does? Do people look up with a shocked look on their face just to get you to look up and then laugh uncontrollably as they chop you in the throat? Did you know gullible wasn’t in the dictionary? Do your part to keep today’s comment section LeBron-fellator-free.



I Hope (S)he Cheats

Well damn. That’s harsh.

Yes, yes it is.

Marsha Ambrosius (for those of you who are unfamiliar, she was the lead singer of the duo Floetry (for those of you who are unfamiliar with Floetry, get your head out of your ass & become familiar as soon as humanly possible)) has a new single called “I Hope She Cheats” that lets her express her post-relationship fury with no apologies. It seems that some guy broke her heart, moved on to another chick, and she’s still sour about it. With lines like…

I hope she cheat on you with a basketball player
Hope that she Kim Kardashian’d her way up
Don’t know the difference between a touchdown and a lay up
Gotchu on viagra in order for you to stay up

…it’s obvious she isn’t really in the mood to forgive.

I may sound bitter
I’m a little bitter
Just a little bitter
Because you are with her

No sh*t, Marsha.

Maybe you’ve been through this scenario before. Maybe you haven’t. You’re in a great relationship and for whatever reason, it falls apart. The other person moves on with their life and you’re left alone trying to figure out what went wrong. Not to mention, you’re not over them. Addendum: they’ve already found a new man/woman. I call this the Perfect Storm of a breakup. The fact that they’ve moved on so quickly is made worse because of the fact that you’re not over them AND they’ve already found someone else to be with.

At this point, some people begin blaming themselves for what happened. Maybe I wasn’t handsome/pretty enough for them. Maybe I didn’t give them enough attention. Maybe I didn’t this. Maybe I didn’t that. We beat ourselves up and figure it must have been our fault.

However, some people take the Silky Johnson approach.

"I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else, but you."

Karma is a bitch and interestingly enough she’s your new best friend. Well, her and this voodoo doll that you just made. What’s that playing in the background? Oh, your custom iTunes playlist of Payback by James Brown, Bust Your Windows by Jasmine Sullivan, What Goes Around… by Justin Timberlake, and Sh*t, Damn, Motherf**er by D’Angelo. And yes, it’s being looped. You even send a prayer to God to ask that this heartbreaker be forced to feel the same pain that you had to. #justkidding #butnotreally I mean, how could they have ended the relationship like that? You think back to how you gave them so much. You did so much for them. You sacrificed and tolerated so much. And this is what happened.

It’s so hard (that’s what she said) to wish positivity in your ex’s love life while you’re wallowing in your own tears. Hell, it’s hard NOT to wish negativity into their love life. Rejection hurts like mother, but I’ve learned long ago that there is never a wasted moment in life. While your pain pierces at you, you have to look at this moment as a lesson being learned. There are negatives that came out of what you went through and, as tough as it is to see, there are positives as well. Take some time to cry, pout, shout, punch, kick, start, select, and then move forward. Recognize the learning experience that it was and dive head first (not literally) into your next learning experience equipped with the knowledge that you’ve gained from your last experience.

Most importantly, you got to put your behind in your past (c) Pumbaa. Don’t let it gain any more control over you, aka don’t be like Marsha in her song. We learn some of our greatest lessons during our worst times and instead of realizing these lessons, we’re too busy being distracted by our inability to let it go. Granted, we’re all human and feelings of bitterness aren’t avoidable all the time, but try to always see the positive. Everything works out in the end. I truly believe that.

PS: Shout out to Gem cause it’s her birthday! Make sure to visit her inferior blog!


Why Did I Do That? Part B

You actually came back? Interesting, I didn’t know you were a masochist.

Anywho, welcome to the second installment of the critically-acclaimed* series, “Why Did I Do That?”

In today’s episode, we’ll look at…

Why did I look at the menu while ordering my food even though I knew exactly what I wanted?

So one day I’m in line at McDonald’s for lunch, not because I like McDonald’s but because my body doesn’t tell me what to do, my wallet does. While I’m in line, I peruse the overhead menu and decide to get some sandwiches from the dollar menu because, in case you weren’t paying attention, I do whatever my wallet tells me to do. Once it’s my turn to place my order, I walk up to the register.

Cashier: “Hi. What would you like?”
Me: “Can I have ah…*looks up at the menu*…three McChickens and small fries.”
Cashier: “Will that be all?”
Me: *looks back at the menu* “Yes.”

So, let’s recap. I stand in line. I decide on what to order. I walk up to the register. I look at the menu AGAIN and then place my order. It doesn’t seem that strange or weird I suppose. But, the point of this post is to rant about something minuscule. And it’s your fault for deciding to read this anyway.

So why in the hell did I look back at the menu knowing exactly what I wanted to order and knowing that the menu hadn’t changed in the 2 seconds that it took me to walk up to the register? Well, mostly because it wasn’t my choice. My decision to look up at the menu wasn’t a subconscious one. It’s a reflex. I don’t know why, but I feel like I need to be looking at the menu, as if it’s a menu in Spanish and I want to make sure I’m pronouncing the name correctly (don’t fake like yall don’t point at menu items in foreign restaurants so that the waiter knows what food you want to order in case you’re pronouncing it wrong). It’s not like I usually change my orders or anything. I’ve never found secret discounts on the menu. It’s a complete waste of energy.

But this phenomenon is not isolated to just McDonalds or other fast food restaurants. This is a behavior that I’ve seen done at more respected establishments (i.e. places where you sit down to eat). When I go to places like The Cheesecake Factory, P.F. Chang’s, Fridays, or any other restaurant that bougie ni**as love to frequent, after looking over the menu and deciding what I want, I usually end up reading my order to the waiter. It’s as if I’m that guy from Memento. I mean, how hard is it to remember that you want to order fettucini alfredo and then simply speak the words instead of reading? Hint: it’s not hard.

So I can’t for the life of me understand why I continue to look at menus whilst placing a food order when I don’t need to. Do any of you do this sometimes? Is it because you have anterograde amnesia? Is it because you hate to make eye contact with people? Is it because you don’t know English? Share with the group.

*by “critically-acclaimed” I mean some crackhead at my bus stop mentioned something about liking the Internet and since my blog happens to be on the Internet…..look, i don’t know why you’re even still reading this

My Thoughts on The Wire (so far)

So I just finished season 1 of The Wire. You heard right, season 1. Yeah I’m late, bite me.

I have to admit, it started out real slow. I don’t know if it was because it was actually slow or because I kept hearing such great things about it that I had high expectations early on. For a bit I was wondering if it would ever pick up and really catch my interest. And then, out of nowhere, POW! It was like being tackled by Precious, without the suffocation and death. The show had me. I was hooked. Since I don’t know how many of you have already seen The Wire, I won’t spoil anything by telling you what the turning point was for me.

To be honest, this show reminds me of LOST (come again??). Hear me out. The emphasis that is placed on character development in both of these shows is top-notch. The police investigations in The Wire and the island in LOST, while significant to the plot, are nothing but secondary devices used to magnify the real point of these shows: the interactions these characters have with each other and the growth that they go through because of it. You watch these shows because you’re invested in these people. That’s what hooks you. Not the scandals, the drugs, the murders, the smoke monster, the hatch, the donkey wheel, none of it.

And in both shows, every character is flawed. There are no true good or bad guys, just people who struggle with the right and wrong choices that they make every day. Of course, some of the characters make more good decisions than bad and vice versa. However, this is the beauty of these shows. They make you hate the “bad” guys one minute and then love them the next. Same with the “good” guys. There are subtle lines drawn to tell you who is on what side, but overall every character is a human being; flawed, imperfect, and ready to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Anyway, it’s just the first season so I have a bit more to go before I can judge the entire series. But I have no doubt that it will meet my expectations and then some.

Happy now, bitch?


Why Did I Do That? Episode I

Do you ever have that moment where you replay in your head what you just did 2 seconds ago and say to yourself, “why did I do that?” Well first of all, stop talking to yourself out loud. That’s just creepy. It’s better for your reputation that people not refer to you as “that guy who participates in debates with himself on the merits of his idiosyncrasies.” People might start sending joke emails around the office about you, laugh as you walk by, and generally shun you. Then one day as you’re having a rather spirited debate, you might throw out a threat at yourself, possibly using the words “AK-47” or “plastic explosives”, which a co-worker may hear. Not realizing your threat was directed at yourself and fearing for the lives of everyone in the building, your co-worker may proceed to call security. After a long, drawn out standoff with the SWAT team in which you repeatedly try to explain that you have no weapons on you whatsoever, the whole situation is finally cleared up and you are ordered to see a therapist every week to help you deal with your advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. What? Blog? What the hell are you…..OH! I’m sorry. Forgot what I was doing…*looks at watch*…and my appointment with my therapist is soon. Let’s get on with it…

Well, if you’re like “normal” people and ask yourself “why did I do that?” IN YOUR HEAD, then join me for this weekly series where I’ll highlight some of the bizarre things that I, and quite possibly some of yourselves, participate in that leave me thinking, “why did I do that?”

Why did I look both ways before crossing a one-way street?

I always seem to do this. I know it’s a one-way street. I know that on a one-way street, cars are only allowed to go in one direction: “that way”. Yet, it’s as if my spider-sense is trying to tell me that Stacy Dash, Gabrielle Union, and Kerry Washington are 10 feet in the other direction and happen to be looking for a slim, bald, dark-skinned male for their new movie “Tyler Perry Presents: We Love The Same Slim, Bald, Dark-skinned Man.”

So with glee and excitement as I think about how great it’s going to be to do the sex scene with all three of them (at the same time), I turn my head and what do I find? Nothing. No Stacy, no Gabrielle, no Kerry, no Carmen Sandiego, no maniac behind the wheel of a car driving in the wrong direction, not even that crazy cyclist out to get revenge on me for cutting him off last week. Not a got damn thing. I don’t even have time to call “fifty” before my pride smacks me on the back of my neck (my DC people know what that’s about). I immediately curse the sky.

I don’t know why I can’t stop myself from looking both ways. I suppose it shows how effective my parents were at brainwashing me. Always telling me to look both ways. Always. Granted, it isn’t bad to always be on the lookout for vehicles. I’ve never personally been struck by one, but I would assume that it hurts. Regardless, I just can’t help but wonder, “why did I do that?”

Do any of you fall into the category of people who look both ways before crossing a one-way street? How about before crossing the sidewalk? The elevator? Your room?

Oh, and welcome to the blog. I hope this post has given you a reason to keep your expectations low.